If you're a praying person, would you pray for me?

My life is rapidly getting out of control. I have an email from the lecturer organising my group project asking me to please get in touch with my team, who have contacted him to say I haven't been contributing - whihc is true, because while I have been having fewer migraines than last year, I am still made of fail.
I have labs tomorrow. I have to get up for them. My body is even less willing to be awake than usual at the moment - I do not have enough willpower to force it to be awake. Furthermore, I am supposed to do prelab work on the computer, using the specially written programs on the university system. The programs are not there, probably because I did them last year and the system hasn't caught up with the whole 'repeating a year' concept.
If I don't get my brain sorted out soon, so that I can actually be awake before noon, I am going to fail the year. Again. And end up on leave of absence. Again. Which I cannot afford. You only get one year's grace from the finance companies and I've used it already and I didn't put enough effort into getting fixed, as evidenced by the fact that I'm still not fixed, and what now? What happens when I go of the rails because my body won't cooperate and I haven't the strength to do what for most people isn't even a trial?

And why, in my entire life, can't I remember a time when I rose and slept at the normal times? Why am I incapable of adjusting my sleep patterns? Even as a little child, I didn't go to sleep for hours after my bedtime, ever, and I was never quick to wake up, and why, when I had the same schedule for years, was that the case?

I won't ask why I'm crying. I know that part.

I'm being dumb, and doing NaNoWriMo. So far, I have four and a half thousand words, in which there have been three deaths and four vampires. Whee.

I think this is partly a reaction to the way I was this time last year, completely unproductive because I was in such a state healthwise, compared to how I felt in Edinburgh, where I was being productive and useful every day.

Tomorrow I've got a workshop for a lecture series I didn't attend. Which is a shame; I didn't realise I'd missed all of them. The trouble is that I missed the first two or three because of the flu, and then I overslept the next, which made it even more difficult to go and explain to the lecturer that I needed the notes (my department do not put things online, as a rule). Especially since he's one of the scariest people to explain your failure to. This is actually making me quite sad, because I've missed the only interesting lectures I'm likely to get this term. The standard of teaching in the option module is appalling, and I've already done it once, making it even duller. The guy I'v missed is the only lecturer in the department who teaches fast enough to stretch me, and I've gone and missed him.

And then I've got a meeting with my team for the group work, which should be quite productive, and a meeting with the Disability people, which is rather scary.

And I need to get in touch with the headache clinic, and pay Kerry back for the water bill, and charge my housemates for the phone bill, and write lots of words and go to larp.

If I manage all that, I shall be rather pleased with myself.

Three months having passed since my last post, I am officially a poor journal-keeper. (Not to mention a poor typer - that read 'offifically' on the first attempt.)

Hmm.

Went to Edinburgh, techied for Fringe. Was much goodness and win. Techie life is hectic and terrifying and brilliant.

Did a lot of nothing. Holidays happened.

Breaking news: I have officially (still a poor typer) changed my name to Bryony.

(Cheers Paul. Hadn't thought of that before you mentioned it, but it's much better than what I was planning.)

There was larp. It was good. And long. And good.

There was imaginary tainted Rebecca, and she got the goodbye real Rebecca never did. It was very good. I shed a little tear for the sheer sweetness of that moment. Thankyou thankyou thankyou. *hugs refs*

And hopefully there shall be event, after much talkings with my wonderful Andy about how to make Irska more fun to play in the light of recent events. *hugs Andy*

First there shall be cleaning. Sigh.

Second, there shall be one-off craziness! I've decided to run my crossover larp of confusion and murder again, provided I get enough players. The pitch is on both forums. We'll be playing this Friday at 19.30, somewhere on campus.
Toph, could you book me rooms for it? The Goodricke rooms would be good, but any two seminar rooms will do provided they're adjacent.

Turns out it's Maelstrom weekend after next.

KIT PANIC!

I'm at my parents. I have a week of temping work.

Weekend after next I'm supposed to be spending the weekend with my mother. We have a hotel booked. This is fine, except it's convention. So I'm going to miss convention, which makes me sad.

Mum wants me to stick around here and go straight to Malvern with her. I don't want to spend an extra week here very much. I'm much rather come back to York for a week, get to go to LARP, see Andy, live in a house that I feel comfortable in and avoid all the horrible tension and uncomfortableness that is here. My parents are arguing. My mother is using me as a dumping ground for all her worries, and telling me off because I'm not being pushy enough about getting better to suit her. I know I have to get better. I am well aware that I need to be well enough to do my course again by October. I know. But she believes that I will somehow become more competent at life if she nags me.
She's right that it would be cheaper to stay down here than come back to York, but I don't want to be here longer than I have to. I regret accepting the work in the first place - it's not going to be all that much money, especially when the train tickets are taken into account, and it means I have to spend more time here and miss all the fun of actually having a life, with friends and hobbies and stuff.

I want to go home.

And now I'm going to go to bed before I lose it and start crying in front of my little brother.

If you are in the mood for something incredibly disturbing, creepy, and otherwise Wrong, click this link.

If you are in the mood for something lighthearted, amusing, and containing of shoggoth, click this link.

If you're feeling eclectic, click both!

There was Maelstrom, and it was good. I hooked a blessed person up with her church, organising in the process her return to sanity. Then I hooked up another person with the same church who had been Naughty in the Eyes of the Huntress. She didn't know he'd been Naughty, but she does now. Hee.
There were repeated suicide charges. I love playing a character who can repeat suicidal acts.
There were new eidolons. I spent much of my event roleplaying with Gebrinius, who is really quite marvellous. And there was Graeme playing Ace, so we got to have an IC reunion and some really good co-eidoloning.
There was campfire hymn singing. I'm told (second or third hand) that I actually came across as quite angelic during that. *blush* This is very flattering and a win condition.
There was inadequate kit. I must make my kit better. It is insufficiently fabulous.

I still haven't gotten used to not seeing soul symbols.

Suddenly, I don't feel safe. Watch the video. The police appear to have killed someone.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/apr/07/video-g20-police-assault

I have no chalk. So chalk is on tomorrow's job list, for the drawing out part of cloak-making, and tonight's job is to draft out a pattern for a robe.

Also, I have dressmaking scissors! Woo! My dad let me have his old pair, so my days of cutting fabric with blunt paper scissors are officially over. That should speed things up.

Marcus, will you be around tomorrow or Thursday evening? I'll need you to stand still for ten minutes so I can fit the pattern to you.

Toph gave me tuppences! Andy gave me chocolate! People are awesome!

I did eight hours of sewing last night. Then I had to stop because I ran out of tuppences.

But I have proved my concept! It's not even a finished protoype yet, but it will work! I have revolutionised the field of larp armour!
Except that revolutionary armour covers all the vital organs and doesn't have thread ends everywhere. Shoddy armour that only really protects the breasts is entirely not revolutionary.

I need somewhere between five and ten pounds worth of tuppences! I must complete my masterpiece!

Because I get depressed when I have nothing to do, and I currently have nothing to do, I am going to spend some time improving my dressmaking skills.

In other words, I am going to make kit. Lots of kit.

At the moment, I can make shirts, tabards, tunics, cloaks and skirts. I will also make anything else you request, within reason.
I am still a beginner at this, and while my stuff is passable, it's not exceptional: for the time being, therefore, I will only be charging for materials. This will change when I consider my work to be of a high enough standard.

If you'd like me to make you some kit, speak up!

There was a Gilbert and Sullivan outing today - we sang a brief medley for the opening of a shop in town. I am slightly traumatised.

I hate having my photograph taken. Hate it with an irrational but persistent hate. I'm okay if I'm preoccupied with something else, like larp, or performing, or something. I can cope if it's one or two and I don't have to pose, just stand against a wall and smile. I can keep a hold on my mental distress when I have to. But I really, really hate it.
I had to pose. In a silly costume. In an even sillier set of poses. Repeatedly.
I collapsed in a small shuddering heap when we got away from public eyes.

I may never forgive the person who arranged it, the photographer, or myself for not having the guts to refuse.

Um.

Hello!

I'm still here.

Hmm. Update on life. Okay.

I have asked for a leave of absence from my course. My supervisor supports me in this and we are in the process of getting it signed off by the Exams Officer, the Head of the Board of Studies, and the Special Cases Committee. It's medical reasons, as I'm sure you'll have guessed from the insane number of migraines I have been having this year.

I have started a blog - like, a real one, with politics instead of angst. If you can find it you can read it. I'm not posting the address here (though I might once it gets a decent readershi), because I want it to stand on its own merits, not just be read by my friends, and because I want to be anonymous as far as possible.

Rebecca died. I am much less cut up about this than I expected to be.  She was getting boring, to be honest - she was guilty, grieving, not really coping, and still putting on a brave face and being nice to everyone. No interesting interpersonal interactions!
New character, Irska by name, is much more fun, because she cares about the metaphysics of things and she disagrees with people, sometimes strenuously. When I froth about some girl called Irska, that's why. (She's decided that Rebecca deserved what she got. This amuses me greatly.)

I wish my housemates was not arguing with her boyfriend downstairs. It is really quite unpleasant, especially since I now wonder what exactly he had no right to say.
I wish various other things, too, not all of them fit for polite company.

How's everyone doing?

You may have noticed that migraines are ruining my life. So far this week I have had two, on consecutive days. The first caused me to miss an exam because there is no way you can take an exam with a migraine. The second was yesterday and caused me to entirely fail to fall asleep last night, despite my best efforts, and thus to miss labs because sleep-deprived people should not work with expensive and delicate equipment that can literally blow up in their face if mishandled.

Migraines are ruining my life and I just want them to stop.

It turns out that tricyclic antidepressants are not good for me. I have spent the last week suffering from a delightful combination of depression and mood swings - no highs, but an exciting variety of lows.
So I went back to the doctor and he took me off the psych meds and put me on something else, which might make my asthma worse but are unlikely to make me suicidal. I feel "does not make Bunny suicidal" is an excellent trait in a medication.

Now the drugs have worked their way out of my system and I am cheerful. Compared to last week, it's like being high. I don't want to burn the world! Wheee!

I am exhausted. Real, if-I-go-to-the-lecture-I'll-pass-out type exhausted. This is because I was up all night.
This, in turn, is because I do not have a predictable sleeping pattern at the moment unless 'unhelpful' counts as a prediction.
This is because I keep having migraines - I'm averaging a week and a half between attacks where I generally expect six.
Part of the reason I keep having migraines is because my sleeping patterns are all messed up.

So I have a migraine, my sleep gets screwed over, I fight it for a week or so, I fight it too hard and give myself a migraine, and that screws up my sleeping patterns even more. Vicious cycle.

I'm going to see the doctor in a hour to ask for help. Any kind of help would be nice. Either migraine preventatives, or sleeping pills, would probably do the trick. If I can forcibly reset my body clock without giving myself a migraine I can break the cycle.

I'm horribly tired. I would like nothing better than to sleep. Not even hugs.

This whole problem is also causing havoc with my course. The real reason I missed labs last week is because my sleeping patterns are so screwy I didn't get to sleep until five in the morning that day - I lay awake for nearly four hours.

I've finally decided that my problems with gettig up are not just a lock of willpower. Willpower cannot put you to sleep, and if I can't sleep I can't get up, and that doesn't make me a horrible lazy failure, it means I have a physical problem I should see a doctor about.

That's what I'm telling myself, anyway.

I owe a bumper catch-up edition of the advent calendar; I'll get to it as soon as I can think straight.

I've decided to pull a sickie.

You'll note that I'm up in time to go to labs. I ought therefore to go. But I missed yesterday's session because I left my phone turned off and had no alarm clock. I have never spoken to my lab pertner before. I cannot bring myself to explain to a stranger why I let them down and expect them to work with me. I just can't.